Will The Cycle Never End?

Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.

When he came home, I knew I was in trouble. I hadn’t mopped the floor yet. He was already upset because we had found out that the baby was a girl. I was secretly happy but I know he wanted a boy. He said he understood about the floor, this scared me more. One hour later, I woke up. I had passed out when he chocked me.  He was tender as he helped me to get into bed. I had to try harder to be a better housekeeper. He knew I was young but he doesn’t like it when I make him mad. I had to stop with excuses and do better. He doesn’t like having to hurt me. No, it’s ok that the baby is a girl. That just means we can try again for a boy.

This happened over 20 years ago but it seems like it was yesterday. I can still feel the coldness of the bathroom floor and see the white walls of our apartment. I can still feel his hands around my throat and my feet dangling where he held me against the wall. It has always been with me. Usually, it is in the back of my mind and I can overlook it. Sometimes, something would happen and it is like I am back in that bathroom. For instance, reading a blog from someone who is speaking out, Prego and the Loon.

It is no surprise, when someone I love like a daughter, my niece, has finally left her abuser that I would think of this time in my life. Will this time she get away for good like I finally did or will she go back. I don’t know. I hope she is finally free of that life.

I was one of the lucky, or smart ones, I left 6 months after that incident. He hit me with my daughter in my arms. While I could take him hurting me, I could never let him hurt my baby girl. I tell Brittany she saved my life and she did. Eventually, he would have killed me.

Woman stay in an abusive relationship for many reasons. Religious and family pressure is one reason; divorce is frowned upon in many cases.  Financial and emotional dependency is another reason; in some cases, the abuser has held their victim down by saying they don’t need to work or they don’t need anyone but them. Another reason is fear, of failure, the abuser, or just of change. Self esteem, also, plays an important role in why a woman stays. They feel unworthy of love that does not include abuse. Whatever the reason, too many woman stay (Peer support services for Abused women).

Domestic violence is a real threat to many. Sometimes, it seems the cycle never ends. Children who see this abuse have a higher chance of growing up to either be abusers or to be the victim (safehorizon). I witnessed my mother’s abuse; I became the victim at 19. Brittany swears she has not been abused by any of her boyfriends but I am not sure. I am so scared that she will continue this cycle. My niece is just another victim of the abuse but one that breaks my heart more than my own.

Links About Domestic Violence:

safehorizonDomestic Violence Statisticsdomesticviolence.orgPeer support services for Abused womenPrego and the Loon

Am I Awake?

What if it wasn't a dream?

Waking up, I looked at the clock. 3:30PM is the time it showed. I must have fallen asleep on the couch. After a trip to the bathroom, I quickly cut up potatoes for dinner, started the chicken baking, and washed up the dishes. I turned on a TV show for background noise, as I folded that load of clothes in the dryer. Something odd caught my eye in my peripheral vision. I turned my head to see what it was and then I woke up.

Laying on the couch, it’s happened again. Oh well! Not sure if I was awake or asleep. I went back to the bathroom then started on dinner again. Brittany and Anna came home and I picked up Anna for a kiss. I wondered why they home so early and woke up again.

After about 6 times waking up, 4 times starting the chicken and cutting up potatoes, and 3 times having a tickle fight with Anna. I think I finally woke up for good. I looked at the clock for the last time and it said 1:30PM so I must not have been asleep for very long. I laid down at about 1. I am wore out.

For as long as I can remember, I have had dreams like this. Dreams about the normal everyday and waking up over and over. I am unsure if this is normal or if it says something about my sub conscious. All I know, is they wear me out and give me a headache. For about 24 hours after, I am unsure if I am dreaming or if I am awake.

However, that does make me wonder if any of it is real. Is life one big dream?

Pictures With Santa

Dear Santa I am a good girl most um some of the time. Does that count?Waking up today, we all decided it was time for pictures with Santa. Since Bass Pro Shop  is offering “free” pictures, this is where we decided to go. I wanted to be there as this is the first year that my grand-daughter, Anna, would understand any of it. As it wasn’t Wal-Mart, I figured I would be safe going even though the crowds of Christmas tend to give me panic attacks.

We dressed as quickly as 3 girls can and took off. I knew I made a mistake as soon as we pulled in to the parking lot. Twenty minutes later, we found a parking spot and went in. My daughter, Brittany, went to set up a time to take the picture at noon, an hour and a half from then.

The place is huge. I had never been there and might enjoy going back when it isn’t so crowded. Anna and Brittany both seemed to enjoy looking at all the sights and window shopping.  I just tried to stay as far away from crowds as possible. We tried some fudge, took some pictures and watched the toy train. Then it was time to get in line.

The line flowed very smoothly and soon it was time to get on Santa’s lap. The entire time in line Anna had a big smile on her face. Of course, that changed when Mama put on her on a strange man’s lap and walked away but luckily her cry actually looked sorta like a smile. We had decided before we left the house how much we would be willing to spend to get extra pictures and got the smallest package.

I didn’t have a panic attack, though it was close at times. Anna loved looking at the stuffed animals, the fish, the train, and so much more. Brittany, who is a complete redneck, was in heaven. I talked Brittany out of the $50 pink camo purse. All in all, it was a good day.

Do You Believe In Santa Claus?

Believe in Santa Clause.

Believe In Something.

December means Christmas in my family and my part of the world.  It is of course a Christian holiday to celebrate the Birth of Jesus. It is said to be about the spirit of giving and love and peace.  I am not a religious person but I still celebrate this holiday because I do understand the meaning.  My grand-daughter, at almost 2, understand a little about Christmas, at least the presents part. She cries if I say she is being naughty. She loves the tree and the decorations. She enjoyed the Christmas movies we found for her to watch.

“Santa” comes and brings the “good” boys and girls lots of presents that cost a fortune. Some families go in debt this time of year to give their children what they want while other families go without. Luckily, My daughter and I was smart and started early. Santa will be good to my grand-daughter this year. Of course, not as good as some will get but she will be happy.

Peace seems to have gotten lost in the shopping and the drunken family gatherings. I refuse to go to Wal-Mart in December. The last time I did, I got run over by a little old lady in cart for the last Nilla Waffers box. Luckily, my daughter loves to shop and I can trick her into doing this for me. As for the parties, there is no escape. I have a fear of crowds and spend most of these in corners but once they are over, my mom and the kids had fun and that is the most important thing right.

Of course, during this season more and more people are charitable and give. There are toy drives and food baskets giving out in abundance. I remember when my daughter was little and I was one of those parent’s unable to afford to buy my daughter much. The Livingston Parish Sheriffs Dept brought over a big box of toys for my little girl. It even had the go to gift of the year, The Tickle Me Elmo. I cried for hours. I will never forget the look on my daughter’s face that year, all she asked for was a Barbie Doll. I had bought that for her. That was the year I come to believe in Santa Claus, or the spirit of him, again.

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Chaos and Clarity

Chaos and Clarity

We often enter chaos to find clarity

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and stones may break my bones but your words could break my heart.

“She is lazy, refuses to grow up, and never will have anything. She is a daydreamer. And what is with the computer, she is always on it when she should be looking for job.”

In truth, I admit I would rather sit than stand. I sleep late at times, when I can sleep. My mind never stops, you see. Always, there is something going on it and insomnia is a part of my life. There are times I wish I could stop “daydreaming.”

What is grown up anyway? Does anyone know? Is a job required? I realize a job is important, a goal in life. That is one reason why I am in school. I work hard enough at that to maintain a 4.0. Don’t get me wrong, I am looking for a job but I am mature enough to realize that when you are looking for job it is best to be honest about hours you can work, daycare is only open so many hours, and what you can do, I am not old but not young either. While it may take longer to find a job, you do want to be able to keep it when you get it.

As for the computer, I do admit I have some fun at the computer. I write on my blog. I even have been known to check out a few free dating sites, still haven’t found one that isn’t mostly about sex. Of course, I also go to school on the computer and for IT. I look for jobs on the computer.

Never have anything? But I already have so much, I have a daughter and a grand daughter. I have my mind, that annoys me but is a pretty good mind. I have a sister, that is sometimes my best friend and sometimes my rival. I have a mother and a Dad, even if they don’t get me and they can make me mad, I still have them there and I am happy for it. I don’t have a fancy car, in fact, I owe my Dad about 3 grand for helping me and my daughter get a car. I don’t own my own home. My daughter and I rent a adorable, small 2 bedroom trailer in a nice little trailer park. It’s home to us, that is all that matters. I have so much that money will never buy.

All the things in the first paragraph could be said about me but I am so much more than that. People need to stop before they speak because their words have impact on a person. Sticks and stones may break my bones but your words could break my heart.

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The Writer In Me

I say I am a writer. I have written on another blog and for school work. I have started several novels but could never finish them. The ideas come at me and keep my brain going. Sometimes, I can’t sleep because they just wont stop. This is my place to share my stories with the world. Also, my place to share my insights, thoughts, and ideas.